Even in iOS 4.1 you refused to fix a major battery drain problem with the iPod Touch 3G/iPhone 3GS. I HAVE A SIMPLE SOLUTION FOR YOU APPLE: make it so that Wi-Fi doesn’t stay on when the device is in standby mode, like in 3.1.3. It really bothers me that I have to turn on Airplane Mode whenever I’m not using your device so that the battery doesn’t drain LITERALLY 85% overnight. Literally. Persistent Wi-Fi is a bug, not a feature. There is FIGURATIVELY steam coming out of my ears about this right now. Figuratively. If you introduce a major glitch of this caliber, it should be your responsibility to fix it as soon as possible. Thank you.

Sincerely,
Nathaniel B. Thierer

I do believe there is a timeline. However, I don’t like the official and widely accepted timeline, which states that Ocarina of Time splits the world into two separate universes, one where Link goes back in time to be a child and Ganondorf is arrested, and one where Ganondorf takes control of the Dark Realm while Link is off frolicking in Termina. This is dumb and stupid. Unfortunately for me, this is the way that Eiji Aonuma and Shigeru Miyamoto have established with Wind Waker and Twilight Princess. For posterity’s sake, I’ll include it.

So I believe that The Minish Cap starts off the entire timeline; no Triforce is mentioned, there is no Master Sword, and Link starts off hatless. Throughout the course of his adventure, he meets Ezlo, transformed into the shape of a green cap, and finds the Picori Sword. He uses this sword to defeat the ultimate villain, Vaati, who is sealed inside the newly christened Four Sword (as Link powers it up with the elements). At the end, Ezlo gives Link his trademark hat in the presence of his childhood friend Zelda. In between this game and Four Swords, Vaati apparently escapes and steals some maidens or something, but that’s not in any of the games, so I don’t really care. Many many generations later, a different Zelda senses trouble with the Four Sword and asks her trusted childhood friend, (a different) Link to investigate. Vaati is freed from his swordly shackles and kidnaps Princess Zelda. Link rescues Zelda and traps Vaati once again in the Four Sword. In Four Swords Adventures, yet another Zelda is captured by the newly-released-yet-again Vaati, as well as seven shrine maidens, and her childhood friend Link goes to rescue her. It is revealed that the true villain was Ganondorf, who uses the Trident to transform into Ganon and create a Dark Realm, where he was secretly controlling Vaati all along. Vaati is killed once and for all, while Ganon is sealed inside the Four Sword.

Somehow along the way, Ganondorf is freed and begins to wreck havok on the people of Hyrule. This is not explained in any game. Perhaps Skyward Sword will reconcile the differences between the Four Swords saga and the OoT saga, as Link is from a tribe of sky people and the Skyward Sword somehow becomes the Master Sword.

Now we get to the fun part. During the course of Ocarina of Time, a new Link travels seven years into the future, where Ganondorf has seized control of Hyrule. Link seals Ganondorf in the Sacred Realm with the Master Sword in its first appearance on the timeline. A new Zelda, whom Link has never met before, magically transports Link back to the past so he can relive his childhood. It is here that the official continuity suffers some sort of dramatic break due to tampering with the timestream, where Link (whose last name is finally revealed to be McFly) stops his parents from meeting and…no wait, that didn’t happen. In one continuity, after Adult Link seals Ganondorf in the Sacred Realm, he escapes, and with no hero to stop him, Daphnes, the King of Hyrule, calls upon the gods to cast Hyrule into the briny depths in a great flood, and the gods are like, “‘kay, sure.” Thousands of years pass, legends are formed, and Ganondorf eventually breaks free of his seal yet again, who channels his inner pirate and begins to terrorize the seven seas (arrr). A new Link and a new Zelda eventually kill Ganondorf once and for all. About a year later, a lame villain named Bellum (it’s Latin for war, hurr hurr) rises to threaten the Great Sea, so the same Link goes to defeat Bellum and rescue Zelda, who’s been kidnapped again. Spoilers: he dies. Spirit Tracks takes place about a hundred years after Wind Waker/Phantom Hourglass, where Link and Tetra/Zelda have found a new landmass which they call New Hyrule, as explained in the beginning by now verrrrrry old man Niko, the lovable swabbie of Tetra’s pirate crew. A new Link and a new Zelda team up for once (kind of) to stop the world from evil once again, yadda yadda, from a new lame villain, Malladus, a Demon King or something. Let’s just say he’s no Ganon. Link and Zelda kill him too in the end, ending this chronology.

Cleanup as well as more to come later, when I’m less lazy.

As it turns out, my initial predictions were correct. The Xbox beta was leaked and people had quite a bit to say on a few things: the ho-hum music, the somewhat broken physics engine, the somewhat boring level design, the Act 2 gimmicks, and so on. But Sega did something here. They delayed the game. At first I thought little of it. After all, Sonic 2006 was delayed for PS3 and it ended up worse than the 360 version. But this game was not delayed to try in vain to clean a disgusting poopy they fished from the toilet; this game was delayed for “quality reasons.” Going into further detail, they actually wanted to FIX PROBLEMS THAT PEOPLE FOUND. UNHEARD OF. Specifically, problems people found with their broken physics, their annoying gimmicks, even their boring level design are supposedly being reworked as I type. This game is entering the second phase of the Sonic Cycle, and it seems to be diverging from the straight path it was running on before. We’ll see how I feel about this game as it nears release later this year.

Now. Sonic Colors. A game, newly announced, which is pure fodder for the Cycle at this point. Of course, it looks promising. “We promise to do away with prominent gimmicks” is their motto here. Some backstory: their thought for Sonic Heroes was “Let’s and teamwork elements! That’s a new thing!” It didn’t really work out (although this may in fact be due to the presence of Big the Cat; this theory needs research). For Shadow the Hedgehog, it was “Let’s add guns this time! It worked for Jak!” It sucked. Their thoughts for THE GAME WHICH I ALREADY NAMED ONCE IN THIS ARTICLE AND SHALL NOT REFERENCE AGAIN was “Let’s just throw a whole bunch of shit in there and tie it together with a plot including a love interest (human of course) and time travel (which, unless you’re the BBC, is never a good idea).” Awful. The worst. Sonic Unleashed: “Yeah, let’s just throw werewolves in there I guess. It worked for Link.” At best it was not boring; at worst, well…For Sonic and the Black Knight: “SWORDS WOO PLEASE KILL ME NOW.” I’m guessing you know how that turned out. The handhelds and those console games with less prominent gimmicks (the Advance and Rush games, Secret Rings) turned out better (or playable, at least).

So, Sonic Colors. “We don’t want stupid gimmicks. Sonic-speed all the time. Let’s put in temporary power-ups! It worked for Mario!” Sure, it’s no sword, but it’s not simple Sonic action to be sure. However, as I mentioned, Mario did it in Galaxy and that worked out well. Still, I doubt Sonic Team can pull out such good ideas from their collective brain, because they’ll probably reach for the ass instead. But unlike before I have some hope. The level design has actual

Colors?

branching paths, hidden elements, and new ideas. The developers seem confident that this time Sonic will truly “return to his roots” (a phrase, which, for the uninitiated, they have been using with almost every game since 2004). They actually recognize, or say they recognize, that Sonic’s been under-performing as of late. However (there’s that word again, Sonic Team is all about buts, isn’t it?), I do have to admit this gimmick is less prominent than man-pigs or guns and motorcycles.

Has Sega finally learned from their mistakes? Well, to put it this way, the Sonic franchise has rabies. Your beloved childhood pet the Sonic franchise is trying to kill you. A few years ago daddy handed you a shotgun and said, “Billy, I’m leaving it up to you.” To put it succinctly, you’re a pussy, and you still haven’t taken poor the Sonic franchise out back. And look what it’s done. It tore up your house. It chased after you countless times with those evil blood-hungry eyes. And you look at it with tears in your eyes, and you look down at that shotgun in your hands, and you say, “I’m sorry the Sonic franchise, but it has to happen this way.” You click off the safety. Your finger rests on the trigger. Sweat pouring down your brow, you take aim. Suddenly, daddy comes running forward and says, “Now wait just a minute there, Billy buddy, the doc just came through with a miracle cure.” You thank the heavens, and you wipe the sweat from your brow, but you can’t put down the gun; not after all the things the Sonic franchise has done. Will that vaccine really be all it takes to clear the pox from your beloved the Sonic franchise? You lean in with cautious excitement and wait.

Win7:

1. Download the free program Connectify from http://www.connectify.me
2. Configure your settings–network name (so you can find it on the console), password (so that only you can access it, at least 8 characters), and type of internet (probably wireless, but you can use your wired too if you have it)
3. Click “Start Hotspot”
4. Boot up your Wii/DSi and go to the internet options (Advanced settings on DSi).
5. Search for an access point and find the wireless network you named, and type in your password.
6. I encountered a slight problem when I tried to test my connection ONLY ON THE DS, NOT THE Wii, getting an error about not finding an IP address, so if that’s the case you’ll have to do some tricky behind-the-scenes stuff here. Stick with me, I’ll try to get you through it with a minimum of trouble!
7. Go back to the connection number that you set up the internet on (1 2 0r 3 on the Wii, 4 5 or 6 on the DSi) and click on it. Go to change settings. For Auto-obtain IP Address, choose “No,” and then go into the setup option next to it. For the IP Address, type in the IP Address that appeared in your “Client History” on the Connectify menu. For me it was 192.168.2.x (where x could be a bunch of randomly assigned numbers). Make sure you put spaces if there aren’t 3 numbers before a dot. Also don’t use the same x for Wii and DSi.
8. For “Subnet Mask,” type “255.255.255.0″
9. For gateway, “192.168.2.1″ seemed to work (remember spaces in-between dots). Then hit okay.
10. Go right to the next option, where “Auto-Obtain DNS settings” should automatically be at “No,” and select the detailed setup option for that too. Now, if you want to take the easy way out, input these for “Primary DNS” and “Secondary DNS,” respectively: “128.151.225.122,” “128.151.50.29″ (SPACES). If you want to know how I got these, type in “cmd” on the start menu, then “ipconfig /all”. About a million things should pop up, these numbers came up for me on the DNS servers for one of them. If you get different numbers on the first two, use those instead.
11. Click “Save” and begin the connection test. If all goes well you should be successful here. Congratulations!
12. Be sure to turn off the hotspot when you’re done! Next time you want to connect your DSi/Wii to the internet, simply start the hotspot again and your console will automatically connect without all this hassle.

NB: This will not allow you to play your old DS games online, unfortunately. There’s nothing you can do about that now. Sorry!

For Mac OS X, this guide here is a good way to connect your DS or Wii to the internet. You can do this with an original DS or Lite as well, and play your DS games online. However, anyone will be able to connect to your unsecured network. I recommend that if you have a DSi or Wii you set your security to at least WPA (8-63 letters or numbers in your password) and if you have an older DS, use WEP (with a 10 or 26-key password, numbers or a-f only). Also, turn off internet sharing when you finish, just in case. You can turn it on again and simply play games or access the internet without all the hassle of following those steps again.

Whew! So that’s how you do it. If you need further instructions, leave a comment. I take no responsibility for any trouble this might get you into and any rules this might break within your organization.

So, looking at my huge pile of games I am appalled at how many are not finished yet. You see, I have this bad habit. I get to the last level/dungeon/whatever of most games and then stop playing. And then I don’t touch the game for way too long. And by the time I pick it up again, it’s too late. I already need to start over. I can usually beat games on the second playthrough no problem, but the vast majority of times there is no second playthrough. So, consequently, I haven’t beaten that many games in my lifetime.

As you can imagine, my backlog is huge. On the DS I’ve first got Mario & Luigi: Bowser’s Inside Story, an excellent game that I am most definitely at the last dungeon. I also need to beat Klonoa soon.  Wario Land: Shake It! I abandoned midway through, Bioshock I couldn’t play through more than the first area or two, Zack and Wiki I’m almost hopelessly stuck, and that’s just the beginning! AND to top it off I’m buying more games. When will the madness end? I bought Shadow of the Colossus and Ratchet and Clank: Up Your Arsenal today in a buy 2 get 1 free sale at my local game store, and I bought Brutal Legend as my sole Black Friday game purchase!

One of these days soon is going to have to be game backlog day. This momentous task is fitting for Christmas vacation, I wager. Although I worry, as I have enough time to get started again with these games, I just lack the mysterious “drive” to play them. Mysterious, indeed. As it happens, the only solution will be to force myself to get back into games.

My next entry will in fact be tomorrow as I already have a topic so there. I have not so quickly abandoned this blog like so many others.

Second on my list is Brutal Legend, which will be found and most likely purchased by me at Best Buy for $35.

I’m also possibly looking for Guitar Hero 5, as I’ve heard good things about it. Mostly I’m just looking for another guitar peripheral at low price, because as a college roommate, having a second guitar has never been more important.

And there it is. Not quite the biggest of lists this year, but I and my green, paper friends are quite happy about that. But who knows? There might be another surprise deal come November 27. Last year I bought Wario Land: Shake It! and Kirby Super Star Ultra for $60 together on Amazon.

Take equal measures Super Mario Bros. 3 and Super Mario World.

Mix thoroughly.

Add several tablespoons of New Super Mario Bros.

Let simmer for several hours.

I played it with a couple friends today. When 6 hours straight went by with a quick break for lunch, we finally put it down for the day. No complaints here.

Well, it’s not so amazing. It falls into the classic Zelda trope of, “Get item in dungeon. Use item in dungeon on boss. Put item away and never use again.” Although, Phantom Hourglass is mostly good about reusing items. The boomerang always got some pretty good use, and I have to admit I got some mileage from the grappling hook as well. But I don’t ever recall having to use the bombchus more than ten times outside of the initial dungeon.

But that’s not the main problem I have. My problem is that the game is just laughably easy. There wasn’t a single point where I felt that my hand wasn’t being held by the game designers. Maybe they thought the target demographic was different on the handheld console. I don’t know. Either way, I felt that too many things were just handed over to me. Show me the treasure chests in every floor of every dungeon for only 20 rupees? How can I refuse? And the final boss was a piece of cake, unfortunately (side note: Bellum? what an awful name. “Hey guys, let’s take the Latin word for war and not disguise it at all!”).

Aside from that one major complaints and a couple minor ones, I still felt that Phantom Hourglass was a good game. It had some good variety in it, brought some new things to the Zelda table, and was an okay sequel to my favorite Zelda game (yes, that’s right). BUT THE TEMPLE OF THE OCEAN KING. Once is enough. Maybe twice. But no. You’re forced through the same thing 5 times. It’s awful. But enough about that. It’s time to move on to rant Part II.

I think the Zelda series is getting stale. With Mario, you can have new levels and you don’t even need to change the formula around, because that’s just the nature of a platform game. But I think Twilight Princess and now Phantom Hourglass illustrate that without a really strong gimmick they can’t really stand out as Zelda games. Link to the Past had the Dark World. Ocarina of Time had time travel. Majora’s Mask had the masks. Minish Cap had shrinking. The wolf in Twilight Princess just wasn’t used well enough to make it interesting. The Phantom Hourglass itself isn’t really notable enough to be a major gimmick. I think Nintendo realizes this fact though, and I hope that Spirit Tracks and Zelda Wii are more than, “Well, Ocarina of Time was really good, let’s try and do that again.”

But seriously, the next time you look at your Rice Krispies, I bet you will see tiny elf cock staring back at you. Don’t feel bad about eating elf dicks though, because that’s what they would want you to do. I apologize for this blog post, but something had to be said. It’s like the FedEx arrow. Once it’s seen, it can never be unseen.

Rice Krispies is elves(‘ penis)!